Keeping Parity Great - Good Things Come in Threes

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Wed, 2017-03-01 12:32

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Think about it: Good things come in threes. Hat-tricks are three goals. Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in three packs (the singles you can get for Halloween are an abomination, and should only be eaten three at a time). Inspired by the Holy Trinity, my uncle (an incredibly eccentric man) once built an entire garage where every design feature came in threes or multiples of three: three windows to a wall, three doors, three garage doors, 15 inches between studs in the wall, 9 foot ceilings, etc .... 3 is a powerful and inspiring number!
 
This week of Parity, things happened, some good and some bad. But in Parity, as in parody, sometimes the bad things are good, or even great! So I choose to believe that in this week of three, good things came. Let's reflect!
 
Blown Out: Kells Angels Bicycle Club lost 27-11! That's a 16 point difference. I want to make a "the team needs some training wheels" or "don't bring a tricycle to a bicycle race" joke here (do you see what I did there), but I really can't. This is a weird loss. Brian Kells has a good team that has played Owen to a tie in the first week and beat Amos by 4 last week. I guess they just came out flat this week, but I'm sure Kells can pump up his team so they can play up to potential next week. No pressure, guys!
 
Isn't He Lumley: I have eye witnesses to a lovely moment in Parity! Amos played shut down defense on Owen trying to make a bail cut. He was successful! So successful, he started congratulating himself in the middle of the point! Owen promptly used the self-congratulatory and distracting moment to berkley into the end zone for the goal.
 
When reached for comment and asked just exactly what he was chanting, Amos had this to say:
"Shut. Down. De. Fense" *clap  clap  clapclapclap* ... on repeat. Until he ran upline on me. While I was still trying to clap.
Double Impact: As you may know, we have two sets of doppelgangers in the league. We have Owen Lumley and Steve Close who look very similar (you can only tell which one is Steve by the neck-beard fringe). Steve was the better Owen this week (Owen 2.0), putting up 3G/6A/1AA/2D to Owen's 2/4/1/1.
 
We also have and Alessandro Colantonio and Alessandro Colonnier who not only look the same but sound the same. The likeness and soundness (?) is eerie, so of course this week they played against each other. Sideline calls of "do better, Best Alessandro!" or "try harder, Worst Alessandro!" make it very hard to know who anyone is talking about at any given point in time, because they alternate between best and worst seemingly every week. This matchup takes a bit of analysis to really break down:
  • Colonnier, 3/2/1/2, but more throwaways.
  • Colantonio, 0/4/3/0, but in the last point of a game and up by 4, he looked off a 30 yard under to Darlene to throw a 50 yard laser with a lot of angle at Donahue that was moving so fast it bent space around it, causing Donahue to miss-time what would otherwise have been a pancake. 
Now, on the one hand, that's so Parity. But on the other, looking off open unders and trying to make up for the lack of throw-aways earlier in the game by recklessly chucking it during garbage time is very much bad form. Colonnier is the Best Alessandro this week.
 
Layout Watch: Worst Alessandro stretched to get a finger on a disk and macked it up in the air, where he and Geofford did a lovely synchronized bid on the second effort. Geofford got there, and made the catch!
 
Dr. Tran bid around a defender to save a bad bail throw because he's a wonderful human.
 
Graham Brown gives at everything he can, because he's also a wonderful human.
 
Stats-troversy: Someone told me Andrew Spearin had 7 drops in the endzone, but the stats sheet only has 2 recorded. Was I lied to, or are the stats keepers crooked? Follow the money! Lock em' up!
 
STATZ
 
Above Average: Back to Kells Angels - the AVERAGE number of throwaways on that team this week was... 3.6. Scott Higgins had 10 by himself. He had 5 D's, so maybe he really likes D? Maybe he was just trying to stat pad the D column because he wants to get back to the top of that particular leaderboard?
 
Higgins, if you lead the league in throw aways because you are trying to lead the league in D's, I think we can name an award after you. Make it happen.
 
As for the rest of Kells Angels, the safest people to throw to are Laura Knowles, Christine Beals and Jim Robinson. Note this for next week.
 
Գոլերը: Aggy had 7 goals! Wynne had 7, 1 in her game and 6 as a sub! Meagan Doyle had 4, and Megan Robb had 3, so Meagans/Megans had 7!
 
March of Dimes: Owen 2.0's 6 led the league, but Pindur, Burton, Michael Colantonio, and Craig "Vezina" Anderson all had 5. Proulx put up 3 as she continues to try and convince us all she is a handler. If we look at second assists, Josee Guibord paced the league with Laura Storey and Wynne, close behind. Fred threw 4 of each, and so to Seb Belanger.
 
You guys are so generous with your dimes.
 
Sibling Rivalry: Speaking of Michael Colantonio, he put forward a strong showing. Almost a triple/triple with 2/5/4/3 and only 1 throw away. Worst Alessandro, you are also the Worst Colantonio.
 
D-lightful: Higgins and Seb both had 5(!!!) in a game. The next best players had 3 (Ashlin, Marcus, Fred, Matthew "Skynes" Schijns, Kells, and Best Colantonio). Pretty Boy Kirkwood missed out on the triple/triple by only getting 2. Sina also had 2, and one of them was on a great effort D on a much taller Jim Robinson.
 
Bad Things Come In Threes, Too: Rachel Young, you had 3 drops. I'm sorry.
 
Good Things Come in 29s, Too: There are still 29 people without a drop. This is 29 too many.
 
Oddities:
  • after 3 weeks, Justine Price and myself have the same salary, at $812,500! Our overall stats in terms of goals, assist, touches, and turnovers are all very similar! This is the happiest number I've ever had in my entire Parity history!
  • Ashlin Kelly scores 30% more goals than the next closest person.
  • Sina Dee throws the most assists and is tied for the most throw aways (try harder on one of those).
  • Steve Bisang is back on top of the drops leaderboard! Pindur follows close behind.
  • Seb has the most D's after 3 games. Jon Rowe, puttin' in work, is second.
  • Dr. Tran has 4 goals, 4 assists and 4 second assists after 3 weeks. He also has 3 drops and 3 throw aways. Dr. Tran loves 3's.
  • Brian Kells has 3 goals, 3 D's, 3 throw aways and 3 drops.
  • Jason Fraser has 3 times as many goals as he does assists, and so do Jim Robinson, Stacey Wowchuk, Jonathan Champagne and Angela Mueller!
Special thanks to Seb Belanger, Worst Alessandro/Colantonio, and Laura Storey for the highlights of this week. Shame carrots for the rest of you!

Benjamin Piper

Wed, 2017-03-01 13:46

On the bubbling Spearin endzone drop statkeeping controversy, I'm not going to suggest that the statkeepers were biased, but one of them may share her facebook profile picture with Spearin....

Carrie-Anne Whyte

Wed, 2017-03-01 16:33

I swear I am innocent!!! Heather was there...she is my alibi!

Chris Sullivan

Wed, 2017-03-01 14:09

Massive game from Rob Ives this week, made even more impressive by the fact he entered the game with a walking injury. 

Of statistical note, Worst Colantonio is not throwing away the dics this session.  Throwaway leader for men is wide open for the first time in the history of Parity. Not sure how to handicap the field. Someone will no doubt step up.

Christopher Keates

Wed, 2017-03-01 14:17

A risky play; if he gives the league too much of a lead, he might not be able to catch up.

Alessandro Cola...

Wed, 2017-03-01 14:36

"...recklessly chucking it during garbage time is very much bad form."

I have to remind everyone that I still have the capacity to throw it away, lest I develop a reputation for some sort of reasonable decision-maker. It's a bold strategy, Keates. Let's see if pays off for me.

Rob Ives

Wed, 2017-03-01 14:34

Continuing with Keates' theme of threes: Megan Robb had 3 goals, Rob Tyson had 1 and Rob Ives had 5, so Rob(b)s had 9 (which is also a multiple of 3).

Jason Fraser

Wed, 2017-03-01 15:45

Jay Thor - 1 goal
Jay Fraser - 2
Jaime Wildgen - 3
Jaime Boss - 0

Keates is almost smart!