Making Parity Great Again - Third Time's the Charm

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Thu, 2017-01-26 12:20

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Hello you shiny, happy people! I'm back from my travels, where I spent a significant time trying to solve a very important parity mystery. Who is the best Lee? Well, I found the best Lee. Mystery solved.
 
In my absence, it sounds like people kept parity GREAT! Major props to The Worst Alessandro and Man-Bun Hadrian for actually emailing me anecdotes to talk about in this post. What the heck are the other 93 of you parity-ers doing?!
 
I am looking at numbers and stories and narratives and I am seeing a whole lot of mediocrity this week. Mediocrity is great, as it is the bar we all strive to, but so rarely, overcome. Let's recap!
 
Highlights... of mediocrity!
 
Mostly Useful Prognosticator: Geofford called his own number in a podcast where he was prognosticating against no one. This is good, because when one can choose the battlefield, one can never lose. Especially when the battlefield you choose has no opponent!
 
3A, 1D, with 2 throw aways and very few touches is not the kind of performance we expect from Geofford, but it's worth noting that his Parity nemesis, Matthew "Skynes" Schijns put up 2G/1A/1AA/5D(!!!), which looks to me like an even more useful game.
 
For reference, Geofford was wrong, and potentially worse than useless (for his team). I believe he jinxed his own squad. Geofford, you were mostly useful... for Kaboom. Thanks!
 
Not Quite Me: Scott Higgins subbed for me in that game, and did a very poor job of it! Apparently he tried to injure Hadrian's throwing hand (I have photographic evidence), where as I would only be able to hug such a lovely man. He also only had 1 throw away. 4 or 5 is the bar, here, Higgins. I am disappointed, you are not a very good Keates. 
 
Spider Monkey: Wynne Gee was described by Hadrian as a spider monkey. This is either an amazing compliment or a subtle insult. I can't tell, but it is pretty amazing. Wynne, you had 16 spider monkey-esque catches on the road to 2G and 4A, which is pretty good for a spider monkey. I think?
 
Fresh!: Patrick Kenzie, possibly the shortest man in Parity this year, skied Owen then floated a backhand I/O for a goal. No big deal.
 
Fakes so Hard His Fakes Have Fakes (and turnovers): I have it on good authority that Craig "Vezina" Anderson faked so hard that he threw the disk into the ground in front of himself. I didn't hear if it went far, but I assume it went at least 1, possibly more feet.
 
This is the second notable Vezina highlight to match the dropped pull, but this only makes sense given how often Craig touches the disk.
 
Spring Chicken: Graham Brown Bids Big Many Times a Point, is I assume what the newspaper headline was on Tuesday. Rumor has it he was throwing himself at the ground with the same reckless abandon that Pindur was throwing at the endzone....
 
Speaking of...
 
PINDUR: Now, on the one hand, Pindur leads the league in drops. But he's also like 4th in throw aways. I don't even know what to say to this. He's also up there in assists, D's, scoring decently well... You are the most erratic Parity player and it's spectacular. We love you. We all love you. Your statline is peak Parody.
 
But let me just say that it's a good thing that you had ... wait. Guys, am I reading this right? Trevor Ryan is a big reason why Basket pulled out a win despite Pindur trying so hard to throw it away? How did I miss this week?! Props to Jon and Trev for being great and terrible at the same time (the sum of great + terrible is, of course, mediocrity).
 
Pretty Bad: The Best Alessandro threw it away 5 times, which is worse than The Worst Alessandro, which is very counterintuitive. Jon Rowe tied him, which makes Jon Rowe about as good as the Best Alessandro and better (worse?) than the Worst Alessandro. This schtick is funny but also confusing, and I can't wait for how this will read by the end of the season.
 
Bisang Pindur'd 3 times, which is a lot, but also why Pindur is the new Bisang.
 
Pretty Fine: Mel Jess had a couple assists, a D, a bundle of touches with a throw away and a drop thrown in. Nothing stand out, pretty okay.
 
Kindha registered a few zeroes in fun columns but a few numbers in other fun columns for an over-all just okay performance.
 
Mel Berry quietly put up numbers that are fine, without a lot of huge success or terrible failure.
 
Krys Kudakiewicz, a name I still can't pronounce, did a few things, but not too many. Way to be okay!
 
Pretty Good: Morgan Howard decided to play frisbee and put up a quadruple/triple (3/4/3/3). He's got two young children and recently ate an entire bag of Costco popcorn, and no one can cover this man!
 
Aggy went for 4/0/7/0 with very few turnovers, I assume because he's interalized all our mocking and decided to turn over a new leaf. Pretty sure the leaf flips back over again next week, though, so stay tuned.
 
Susan "Lazer" Sunde subs in the league now! She went 3/1/2/0 because she's pretty bad-ass, also her name screams of Pew Pew Pew! which is why she threw it away 2 times.
 
Here comes Dr. (Chris) Tran, putting up a pretty great 2/4/2/1 day, and despite his 6 other turnovers, he's still my favorite doctor.
 
And finally, Benjamin Piper, Esq., putting up an impressive 7/3/2/2 (and an equally impressive 6 combined throw aways). When Sina is away, SOS has a man willing to step up and fill his role, and that man is Ben, Attorney at Law (and Parity).
 
Star of the Week for Spectacularly Helpful:
 
Hadrian and Al for emailing me anecdotes to write about. I prefer anecdotes to stats, people! Help me out, at christopher.keates@gmail.com.

Alessandro Cola...

Thu, 2017-01-26 13:17

Jon Rowe's Alessandro-esque number of throwaways is probably due to an incident that happened in warmup. I was tossing with Jim nearby and accidentally lost control of a throw.

I hit Jon with a laserbeam of a backhand.

I hit him directly in the coffee cup.

The coffee cup was in front of his face.

Corneas haven't been scalded like that since the last time I took my jersey off on the sideline. He probably couldn't see his receivers, being bandaged up like The Invisible Man and all.

Jon, please bring your drycleaning bill next week. I'll take care of it.

Christopher Keates

Thu, 2017-01-26 13:41

Mike Rowe, is probably going to be advising Jon on workplace safety, unionizing Parity, and other measures to make sure that disc operators do so within safety guidelines and regulations so as to avoid future injuries.

Brent Burton

Thu, 2017-01-26 13:54

Weird...this is the first time I've ever seen you semi-apologise for a bad throw or at the very least make an excuse for a bad reception. It's all on record now Al! I saw this before the game and and it was like you were speaking in tongues or something: "I'm soo sorrrry!" All I could do was shake my head in disgust at you for taking responsibility for your own actions....Gavin would be so disappointed if he weren't more worried about the spilt discount coffee. 

Christopher Keates

Thu, 2017-01-26 13:56

Although in that case, he was apologizing for kicking an errant soccer ball into the face of one of the members of Parity, so your overall point stands.

Amos Lee

Thu, 2017-01-26 14:09

I wish a claim could be made that Al had the competence to get that much airtime when kicking soccer balls. But alas, it hit his teammate's knee. Even in physical abuse, Al is only mediocre.

Alessandro Cola...

Thu, 2017-01-26 14:13

Next week, Jon and Kathryn Jarrett-Ekholm are going to show up with Jackie Chiles to slap me with a class-action suit. I've retained Ben Piper in my defence.

*Cue music*

Jon Rowe

Thu, 2017-01-26 14:52

No I'd never dream of filing suit against a fellow Parity leaguer. The need for revenge is borne from self-hate and insecurity. I'll take the high road - the one of passive, peaceful, forgiving spirit at the heart of the game.

*(Note: Offer of forgiveness contingent on Mr. Colantonio's provision of a small half-milk, half-sugar dark roast coffee in recompense. Failure in this regard may result in legal recourse.)

Christopher Keates

Thu, 2017-01-26 15:16

turn down that Tim Horton's gift card from last year now, huh Al?

Benjamin Piper

Fri, 2017-01-27 13:07

Also, I'd like to point out that one of my throwaways was a hammer to the endzone that Amos said physically hurt him to record as a throaway.

Benjamin Piper

Fri, 2017-01-27 13:13

I've already prepared a defence and Lance Armstrong-esque counter suit for libel, slander and intentional infliction of emotional distress, on behalf of my client, Mr. Al "Throaway" Colantanio, against anyone who files suit against him. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.

Jon Rowe

Fri, 2017-01-27 13:36

Conflict of interest, your honour. As my teammate, I feel Mr. Piper would look me off for passes if he were beholden to Mr. Colantonio.

Falling under the jurisdiction of maritime law, of course, I trust your honour Capt. Proulx will grant my motion to dismiss.

Amos Lee

Mon, 2017-01-30 12:53

It's too bad Piper immediately went on the defense cussing me out for that comment because he assumes I only ever say negative things. A safe assumption. But I'll take those free fantasy points.