Making Parity Great Again - The Fourth Dimension

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Wed, 2017-02-01 11:35

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It was the semi-finals in the playoffs of our most recent Parity experiment. Would you believe that in such high pressure games, Parody was in fine form? It was so fine in form that I had to take notes. So much Parody in the pursuit of Parity happened in the first game that I needed to write it down, lest I forget.
 
But there was one play that Parity will never forget, and it happened in the very first game. To properly understand the greatness of the play, we must go back in time...
 
Best Throw: Justine threw a disk around a light pole. Around a light pole, people! And it should have been for a point, but....
 
Worst Call: Kindha called the catch out of bounds. ಠ_ಠ
This week we topped this play. Angela Mueller, with reckless disregard for the safety of the sidelines and statkeepers, threw a backhand that bent space and time. It sailed between wall and light pole, and settled neatly into Klimowicz's hands for a goal. As Kindha could not be found to call it out of bounds, the point stood!
 
Also from the first game:
  • Andre Scott volley-ball spiked a sure Callahan, joining the ranks of others in Parity who have forgotten to catch their D's (notably: Khalid, Hope Celani, Tryhardahue, Jim Robinson, myself, Bush)
  • Trevor Ryan missed a catch so bad the disk hit him clean in the chest, bounced up in the air, and was bobbled two or three times before hitting the ground. I've never seen someone try to catch a disk with their chest before.
  • Sina made a spectacular attempt at a greatest, leaping from in bounds to catch and throw an out of bounds disk back into the field of play, knowing that it was just him and another of his teammates still chasing down the play. Not only was it successful, but the throw itself was flat, level and floaty. It was beautiful. But appparently Mel Berry thought it was a hopeless play and instead of following up on it, had already commit herself to defense. Sina threw to no one.
  • Sina then tried to flirt with Trevor Ryan, catching Trevor's hand on a D attempt. Cute.
  • Dr. Tran was at it again, and skied Owen on a disk he had no business catching.
That's game 1, folks! I'm almost all Paritied out, just from this game alone. But I must soldier on... so much else happened!
 
The Gloved One: Much like MJ, Janet Ibit only wears one glove, and it's possible it gives her mystical powers. Not over the hearts and minds of music fans everywhere, but over disks. You see, Janet got her one pink, magical glove on three D's on Monday. Two handblocks, one Kindha and one on Jessie, then for good measure she poached a lane on The Worst Alessandro and D'd him with it as well.
 
She had 3 D's, all with The Glove.
 
Browbeating: Speaking of the Worst Alessandro, apparently he called travel on Amos and so vigorous and forceful was 3rd best Lee's (behind Bruce and Sam, in that order) outrage that Al immediately retracted the call.
 
AUDL players everywhere, take note. Al can be bullied off his calls.
 
Catch Your D's: Geofford tipped a D to Ariel for a goal. Be better at frisbee, Geofford. Also, be better at prognostication. You were 2 and 2. 50% is basically coin flip. You are easily replaced by a nickle.
 
Twinkletoes: Hadrian skied two people and did a toe-tapper for a goal, which is a play only a... dare I say it... spider monkey could make?
 
Am I the only one now imagining Hadrian as a spider monkey in a balerina outfit? That's not weird, is it?
 
What Is That Family Eating?: Carrie-Anne Whyte and her partner Andrew Spearin had 15 goals, 3A, 1D between the two of them. Andrew had the most goals of the week and Carrie was tied for 2nd. Any dietary advice for the rest of Parity?
 
A Series of Observations:
  • Simon Berry scored goals on 4 of his 5 catches. That's either efficient or bad defense (or both! note: it was both).
  • Steve Bisang had 4 goals, 3 assists, 2 D's, 4 Jessies and 4 Pindurs. <3
  • Fred Caron had 13 turnovers, if you count his game as a sub. What a night!
  • Mike Lee had 8A, on a bad knee.
  • Sina had 1/5/5/1 and 4 throw aways (but one was the greatest).
  • The Best Alessandro was 3/1/3/1, which is a dedication to patterns that I appreciate.
  • Darlene subbed for a team and promptly put up 7 Jessies (Jessie only had 5).
  • Jaime Boss had over 90% completions with 2A, 3AA and 1D for a very efficient game. Leading from the front!
  • (Jay) Thor had 4/0/1/4. 4Ds! He was also perfect on throws and catches, for arguably the most efficient game of the night.
  • Heather McCabe went for 2/3/4/2, which is a mighty impressive stat line.

Special thanks to Hadrian and The Worst Alessandro for the anecdotes, and a big hug to all of you for being so great at Parody. Reminder: email me anecdotes! 

EDIT: Straight up forgot a few things!

First, Brian Kells showed up dressed as a Libero. He didn't bring dark, or white. He brought neon. And he then violated the rules of the Libero which are very clear on attacking rules from inside the 3 meter line (the endzone). He scored 3 goals, which makes me wonder if Like a Boss doesn't have a case to protest the outcome of the game.

Second, Sina was actually punished for the greatest attempt with a throw away. Amazing.

Matthew Schijns

Wed, 2017-02-01 12:59

No mention of how emotionally downtrodden I was after such my terrible game that those warming up afterwards thought they'd add physical pain to my ailments with a disk to the face?

Geofford Seaborn

Wed, 2017-02-01 13:42

What's a nickle?

2-for-4 is average-ish for me; and well better than Bisang's 0-for-1.

How's your smile, Jim?

 

Jim Robinson

Thu, 2017-02-02 13:52

My teeth seem to be all right, but still have some bad bruising on the inside of my lips.  

Though for some reason "the best (sul)ly" didn't like either of my D's and pushed the drop button instead.  Footblocks count for nothing with that guy unless you catch the disc with your toes. 

Chris Sullivan

Fri, 2017-02-03 11:10

sorry,

I think on one of those Ds I was so impressed i put down the ipad and did a Wayne's World "we're not worthy" bow, instead of clicking the D button.  Also the Catch With Foot D button is conspicuous in it's absence, and the sun was in my eyes. Keep up the good work Jim.

Owen Lumley

Fri, 2017-02-03 11:52

stats keepers for the stats keepers.  Missing a footblock might only be -$2000.  Hitting undo so many times that it erases the entire previous point (-$10,000).  Parity balancing rules would dictate that a good button pusher would have to be offset by a caller that can't remember names.

Jim Robinson

Sat, 2017-02-04 13:37

Sully, I appreciate your work and admire your high standards. 

Nicholas Aghajanian

Wed, 2017-02-01 13:48

Who's biting rhymes now?

Christopher Keates

Wed, 2017-02-01 15:50

and my rhyme biting call outs, because you are a rhyme biter.  

Simon Berry

Wed, 2017-02-01 19:04

Was I efficient because of bad defence of did my efficiency cause bad defence?

Carrie-Anne Whyte

Wed, 2017-02-01 20:28

Hi folks, 

For those interested in our high power diet...quinoa and kale is the way to go with some delicious  flavours of Janet's gloves and a bit of Mike Lee spice. It really is the way to go!

Matthew Schijns

Wed, 2017-02-01 21:35

Apparently your mark just wasn't as useful as he could've been Simon. 

And there were two hammers you had to lay out for in the end zone?  My favourite was the disc thrown to you that wound up on top of the hut though. 

Simon Berry

Wed, 2017-02-01 23:15

Yes the shed disc was great, I don't think I layed out for hammers, but the full on superman for the one over Maya's head and your finger was pretty good. You did beat me for some yards and points 

Jason Fraser

Thu, 2017-02-02 13:02

The old Simon would never catch a disc in the endzone unless he layed out. What happenned to that guy?