Keeping Parity Great - The Two Step

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Wed, 2017-02-22 13:04

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Parity League

What steps are you taking to keep parity great? Do you keep your field bag stocked with tin foil? Do you throw hammers? Do you statkeep? Do you heckle? Do you wear funny clothes and/or have a shaggy mop of hair that bounces around as you run? Do you care far too much about numbers and stats and come up with bizarre or interesting ways to look at the league?

Or do you just show up and play your game and go home? Sad!

Let's reflect on this as we review the week that was....

The Value of Leadership: Andrea Proulx is full of drive, enthusiasm, and personality. She was strangely absent this week, as was her team's drive, enthusiasm and personality. Man Overboard had quite the disaster with an 11-24 loss. Some players are worth more than their salary suggests, and I think her team missed her leadership. Personally, I missed her incredibly loud voice on the sidelines. You can be a very good Parity-er simply by focusing on this mantra: Channel your inner Proulx.

Best/Worst: Alessandro Colonnier appears to be back in the league! This means we have an Alessandro controversy (Alessantroversy) again! Hurray! I have no idea which to call best or worst at this point, but I think I'm going to give the edge to Colantonio this week, because he packed tinfoil.

Conspiracy Theories: Amos Lee has a team name that doesn't meet Morgan Howard's rigorous standards. Amos Lee feels that the fix is in and his team name is being unfairly judged! So Al made him a tinfoil hat, and Amos played much of (or all of?) the game wearing it.

Team Names: It's also worth noting that two of eight teams played week 1 without a formal team name. Wildgen finally settled on Soho, and Boss finally settled on Betty White (B-Dub). I lack the expertise needed to properly evaluate these names, and call on Morgan Howard to judge them.

Ladies Night: Speaking of Soho, they won a very close game, and did so by scoring 14 of their 19 points through their women. That's the way to do it! Quick analysis on that team's game: 102 catches for the guys, 59 catches for ladies.

Hit The Ground Dropping: Hadrian had a full superman layout for a hammer that he caught, but for some reason his technique included throwing himself at the ground so hard that he bounces the disk out of his hand. On the one hand, bad form. On the other, great Parity.

Salary Controversy: Owen Lumley's first game was a injury shortened $14,000, 4 points played performance that was a full $132,000 below his 2016/2017 game average. It's counting for his salary, and has depressed his team value significantly below the league's cap. He's now trading "up" to pick up stronger players in the first trade window. This is not fake news, people. Owen is manipulating the economy and the league is sitting idly-by and letting it happen. I demand an executive order banning these shenanigans!

STATZ!

Reckless: Parity rookie Alisha Zhao gets right into the swing of things with 5 throwaways and 1 throwdrop, for 6 on the night, but still trailed Sina with a total of 8. Stephen Close (henceforth Lumley 2.0) had 4 in his first game. Probably just rusty. Ben Piper had 9 in 2 games. Pat McKelvey, also a parity rookie, had 4. Lots of people had lots of throwaways!

I <3 this a lot, as it is very parity. In my head I imagine them as all thumbers, scoobers, hammers and chickenwings.

So far 5 people do not have a throwaway, because they are boring and responsible (and certainly not pulling their weight to keep Parity great). Christine Beals, The Best Lee (Sam), Edwin Wong, Chris Tran, and Mel Jess are all currently duking it out for this dubious prize.

Soft Hands: Simon Berry and I have the softest of hands. They get this way because we use a lot of moisturizer, which apparently makes it hard to catch. 2 drops each, as we duked it out for most on the team. Bisang and Andre also had 2 (which is strange for one of them - take a guess which!).

Fun fact, 18 players have 2 or more drops, and 4 of them are on 99 Problems. Rob's team has 99 problems and drops are 9 of them. Other notables on this list: Bisang, Pindur, Proulx. I realize I often give these players a hard time for drops but the fact is they are consistently good goal scorers, and often get drops on very difficult throws where they are simply trying to make a play. Now, Michael Colantonio having 2 despite being mostly a handler is a completely different story....

Good Hands: 46 of you! Honest to god, almost 50% of the league does not have a drop yet. 46 of you deserve a pat on the back or a high five or something. The high five comes 5 minutes before your next parity game, and a small serving of petrolium jelly. You've been warned.

Goooooooaaaaaaalllllll: Jason Fraser had 7 goals. That's even more than Ashlin! He was 30% of his team's goal scoring.

Octegenariassist: Justine threw 8 goals. Mostly hammers (again). Fred also threw 8 goals, but not for his team. For whatever team he subbed for.

Other Notables:

Trevor Stocki has started out strong this session, and has 3 D's. This is more than 79 other players in the league.
Simon Berry is scoring goals on 50% of his catches. Teammate Kyle Sprysa is approaching 50%.
Mel Jess has no drops, no throwaways, no thrown drops on over 10 touches a game, and she's throwing assists while doing it.
This week's Worst Alessandro (Colonnier) has no drops or throwaways, and his receivers let him down for 2 thrown drops on 20% of his throws.
Craig "Vezina" Anderson is solely responsible for exactly 1 throwaway, on over 50 attempts.
Dr. Tran, man of honour, has zero throwaways despite an involved statline of 2/3/3/2 and 27 completions.
Best Lee (Sam) is even better with 2/0/3/2 and 33 completions.

Thanks as always to the help from Al, Sina, and some of Rob's 99 Problems for giving me ideas for this.

Justine Price

Wed, 2017-02-22 13:22

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Keeping Parity Great - The Two Step

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