Keeping Parity Great : The Party

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Wed, 2017-05-03 12:58

Forums:

I'm too busy making a great Parity Party Presentation for everyone to enjoy at the Parity Party tonight to do a weekly retrospective right now, so instead I will remind all of you to please come to the Parity Party!

WHERE: Heart and Crown on Clarence, in the Market.

WHEN: 7:00 pm, tonight!

WHY: Hilarity, merriment, camaraderie!

Alex Bush

Wed, 2017-05-03 13:18

My idea for a Madlibs Parity Post was better. 4/10, would not read again.

Alex Bush

Wed, 2017-05-03 14:39

<Proper Name #1>'s Power of <noun>: I substituted for <Proper Name #1> this week. I've been growing out my <body part> all season just for this chance, so when <Proper Name #2> tapped me to be the <adjective + noun> of Katy Parity this week, I knew all my hard <verb> had finally paid off. I had a very <Proper Name #1>-esque <stat-line> with <number greater than 1> throw aways (as one does when being <Proper Name #1>), and while my <body part> is not as great as <Proper Name #1>, it was still flying all over the place. I really didn't feel like myself that game, I must have been channeling "All <body part>, No Flair" from afar.    Volunteers: A bunch of rookie <job> did stat keeping for the first time this week, and they all did a <adjective> job. Props to <3 related people> for the first semi-final game, and <fourth, unrelated person> for single-handedly tracking the 9:40 game. You guys are great.

Amos Lee

Wed, 2017-05-03 14:51

Newman's Power of failure: I substituted for Newman this week. I've been growing out my hat (it's an extension of my body) all season just for this chance, so when John Madden tapped me to be the abject Messiah of Katy Parity this week, I knew all my hard evangelism had finally paid off. I had a very Newman-esque 0/0/0/0 with 47 throw aways (as one does when being Newman), and while my hat is not as great as Newman, it was still flying all over the place. I really didn't feel like myself that game, I must have been channeling "All Hat, No Flair" from afar.    Volunteers: A bunch of rookie pornstars did stat keeping for the first time this week, and they all did a bang-up job. Props to the Alexander brothers for the first semi-final game, and Obama for single-handedly tracking the 9:40 game. You guys are great.

Alex Bush

Wed, 2017-05-03 16:25

It's like Keates wrote it himself!

Brent Burton

Thu, 2017-05-04 09:01

Growing out of your hat is a sign of skull enlargment and has historically been pathoneumonic for Paget's disease. Your skull is literally getting thicker. Another common sign can be hearing loss. This explains your inability to take good advice. Cause unknown but there ain't no cure for that! See e-medicine's Paget disease for more details.

Jon Rowe

Thu, 2017-05-04 11:38

Congrats to the winners of the official stats leader awards! If those were the Parity Oscars, I'm here to present this year's off-brand Teen Choice Awards.

  • The "Cool Your Jets" aka "Receiver Error" award for most Throw-Drops goes to:

Scott Higgins (14). Congrats to Scott, who won this award on the back of the subpar receivers on his team *ahem*. 

  • The "Mr./Mrs. Parity" award for the most balanced stat line of the season (G/A/2A/TA) goes to:

Michael Colantonio (21/21/20/20) represents the best of parity in spirit and practice, with a dedication to doing a little bit of everything in equal fashion. Runner-up: Jamie Wildgen (12/13/13/14)

  • The "President's Choice" award for most Loblaws-lookin'-ass salary goes to:

Marcus Bordage ($1,599,999) and 99 cents, presumably.

  • The "Berry Delight" award for most berries foraged from the season:

Chris Keates, Andrew Spearin, and Hadrian Mertins-Kirkwood each had 3 berry nights. Breaking the tie with a double-berry effort, congrats to Hadrian who edges the other two and win the coveted award!