Keeping Parity Great in Seven Easy Steps

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Wed, 2017-03-29 12:48

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Are you in that long winter funk? Has the weather got you down? Are you just not sure how to bring out your Parity "A" game on a week to week basis? I've got a handy little cheat sheet for you. These 7 easy steps will help you perform at your peak! But first...
 
Welcome!: Parity rookies Michelle Warren and Thuc Nguyen have joined our motley crew. 
 
Step 1 - Throw To Owen (Especially When He's Not On Your Team): In the 8:20 game, 99 Problems only had 1 problem, and that was playing catch with Owen Lumley. He's actually not on the team, and I'm not entirely sure the roster recognizes that. For 5 of his 6 (!!!) D's he basically didn't have to do anything other than stand in a throwing lane. For the 6th, he was the deep help (already in position) on a huck.
 
Step 2 - Back Up Your Smack-Talk About Parity: If you're gonna trash talk parity, back up your game! Parity Rookie Thuc got right into the parity groove, showing up late, throwing irresponsible hammers, cutting in big looping circles clogging up his own offense. Oh, and he promptly put up 3 D's. Now he's going to tell us all he's under valued. Well played, Thuc.
 
Step 3 - Heckle Mercilessly: It's important to heckle and be heckled! It's also important to remember that the heckles are just that and to not take them personally. Even better, if you can instantly rebut/validate the heckle, you are winning at parity. This week, Ryan Mussell collected the disk and was told by the sideline he was "not a thrower!" He then immediately dropped a precision guided dime through three different defenders, and walked off the field. 
 
Step 4 - By The Vandalism You Want To See In The World: Break stuff! But make sure it's an accident. Parity has seen many a thing break over the years. Mehmet broke Dan Thomson's compression shorts last season. Simon Berry stepped on Al's disk last week, popping the label out leaving behind a solid plastic ring. Last weak Sina almost broke my nose with his ass. Kevin Barford may have broken Rob Ives' nose this week with a macked disk.
 
Maybe keep it to disks and pants though?
 
Step 5 - Don't Play Well With Others: Steal disks! Cut each other off! Clog lanes! Make frivolous foul or travel calls! Parity is the place where you can keep your ticky-tacky call game on point.
 
Step 6 - Be a Doer: Gotta remember your ABD's. Always Be Doin'. Lots of try-hards in the league, but strive to be better than that. Be like other Parity Rookie Michelle Warren. Michelle (Mich) has many personalities, and it seems that Parity Mich put up a nearly mistake free $104,000 worth of salary.
 
Step 7 - Pickin' Yourself Back Up: Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up! Did you throw it away? Forget about it, try again! Drop the disk on a bid? Don't let that stop you from laying out on the next one! Short memories are necessary to be leaders in parity. Just look at the Top 10 list for throwaways! Everyone there can't be bothered to remember the beginning of their game by the time it ends.
 
The 10:00 PM Game
 
I feel like maybe the 10:00 pm game is the best game to watch. It's late, people are tired, and bizarre things just seem to happen. I think the game managed to tick off every single step of the cheat sheet at some point. Let's recap!
 
Laura had a good game and made some pretty ridiculous one-handed catches, but she also had a flick get away from her a bit. In a moment we can all relate to, her release wasn't quite clean, the disk stuck in her hand, and flung out of her hand directly into the boob of Paula who was standing behind Laura's mark. Paula stays on point, commiting to step 6, doin' it by any means necessary!
 
Andre suckered defenders with his throws again. People set up like Andre can't or won't put it, then he does, for easy scores! This time the sucker was Amos, who cheated off Hadrian to clog the middle, and Andre burned him. Andre, you are a grade A certified step 6 doer!
 
After watching Newman punt it out back of the endzone two times earlier in the game, and once during the current point, Amos went for a little step 2 and 3 motivation. He hucked it beautifully, with touch, for the point and walked off yelling "THAT'S how you huck, Newman!"
 
Speaking of Newman, he was all kinds of step 5. He scored while being covered by Andre and then spiked the disk (for reference: Andre is the nicest guy in Parity), and the disk spike hit Hadrian in the ankle (for reference: Hadrian is the prettiest guy in Parity). Then, despite his new teammate Angela Mueller being completely uncovered and alone in the endzone, Newman made a play on a disk never thrown to him and instead of at least catching it, all he did was tip it out the back of the endzone.
 
An errant bail pass obeyed step 1, and went to Owen, who was stats keeping at the time. Yes, of course he caught it.
 
Someone tried out step 4! Shades of last season's missing game, the lights inexplicably dimmed in the last 20 minutes! Someone broke the dome (Newman?!). Thankfully Owen was on hand with his phone's flashlight to light the way to the scorebored (very necessary, this game put up a remarkable 45 points!).
 
Kindha's team was on point with their step 3 heckle game. Morgan got beat in the air to a disk, and while walking back to the sideline remarked, "10 pounds lighter and I get that." The sideline remarked "Just 10?!" Morgan continued, "Seriously, that's just like 10 fewer pizzas." Josee stepped in with her heckle game, "You'd just eat the first 9 and throw the 10th at the disk."
 
In a serious case of step 7, despite Newman's earlier missteps, he proved to be the hero. The late game went to universe, and Newman started on D. He forced the turnover to get the disk back, and then caught the game winning point.
 
Seriously guys, if you have one game to show up for, make it the 10:00 pm game. It's where the magic happens.
 
GOALS: Kirsten and Owen were their usual unstoppable selves (7 each), but Kevin Barford put up a surprising 6. Jim Robinson got back into the grove with 5. Newman found the endzone 5 times despite being a stay-at-home handler! League co-ordinator Kevin Hughes put up 4!
 
ASSISTS: Higgins put up 8, and Sina put up 7, but that's sort of how they role. Stephen Close put up 7, which is remarkable. Michael O'Hare made up for last week and dropped 6.
 
D'S: Owen got 6 but that's largely not his fault (see step 1!). Thuc got 3 in his first game, same number as Fred. A bunch of people put up 2, including An Tran!
 
PEW PEW PEW!: Fred had 6 (!). Justine had 5, but I think she just wanted to put up 1 more than her bae, Sully. Seriously, 4 members of 99 Problems were in the top 10 for throwaways this week. Rich had 4 and I had 3.
 
DROPS: Sonny Kim had 3, which isn't normal for him. Everyone's favorite pylon, Jay Thor Turner had 2. Of surprising note here, 8 players still don't have a drop, including Stephen Close, Melissa Jesss and Jessie Robinson who have over 80 catches each.
 
NOTABLES:
 
  • An Tran and David Townsend on the same team, both put up 2/2/2/2! An did it with fewer touches and fewer throwaways, because she's awesome.
  • Kindha had 2/2/0/0, which seems pretty average, but if you'd watched the game you'd have seen a number of game-saving bail cuts and defense shredding throws.
  • Jeremy Bryan put up lots of numbers with a 2/1/5/2 game.
  • Megan Robb got back up to her old tricks, with a 5/1/2/1 performance.
  • Josee continues to dominate, putting up 3/1/4/1.
  • Kirsten's 7 goals came on 15 catches. ~50% of her catches were goals.
  • Wynne had a huck happy 3/3/0/0 game and only 1 throw away.
  • Krys Kudakiewicz was one of two 99 Problems players without a throwaway (the other was Simon), and he went for 2/3/2/1.
  • Nick Klimowicz has 3 throwdrops, and zero throwaways, which is odd. Nick, your team might not like you....
Hadrian Mertins-Kirkwood's picture

Hadrian Mertins...

Wed, 2017-03-29 12:59

Great stuff, Keates!

Sina Dee

Wed, 2017-03-29 13:50

Amazing Keates.  You deserve much props for you well crafted recaps.

Amos Lee

Wed, 2017-03-29 14:24

If I proved anything this week, it's that yelling at Newman for 80 minutes straight makes him do great things eventually... and maybe in some cases when you need it the most. 

No mention of Jeff Hunt acting as my barrier against getting skied by Hadrian? The most noble of actions on the night if I do say so myself.

Jeff Hunt

Thu, 2017-03-30 14:14

Fake news

Amos Lee

Thu, 2017-03-30 14:35

HEY GUYS, REMEMBER THAT TIME HADRIAN AND AMOS SKYING HIM. HURHURHURHURHRUHRURRUHRURURHURHUR

Chris Tran

Wed, 2017-03-29 15:27

I'll be the first to admit that I refresh the forums page every 5 minutes, every Wednesday around 10:30am. Then again, rumour has it that Justine also does this.

Keates, thanks for being a much needed F5 moment on my dull Wednesday mornings.

If anyone is going to put up a 1/3/3/7 line in Parity, it will probably be you.

Christopher Keates

Wed, 2017-03-29 15:46

People don't throw at me very much. I'm more likely to go for 3/1/3/3 and 7 throw aways.

Alessandro Cola...

Wed, 2017-03-29 18:32

Yeah, I'd buy you having 7 throwaways.

Simon Berry

Wed, 2017-03-29 23:41

I may have also tacoed a disc in the same game, it may or may not have been a Justine hammer

Simon Berry

Wed, 2017-03-29 23:41

I may have also tacoed a disc in the same game, it may or may not have been a Justine hammer

Simon Berry

Wed, 2017-03-29 23:45

Just to cast my vote for parity MVP, and echo all the points mentioned, the time you take not only watching the games, but crafting a solid blog about them after, while maintaining a day job is pretty impressive. Added points for taking shots at everyone equally, including yourself and still describing how each game turned out, helping express the fun that is parity 

Brent Burton

Thu, 2017-03-30 08:35

Like Windows 7, this writeup was pretty solid. I'm kinda scared to see what happens next week. Can we just skip to 10?

Trevor Stocki

Fri, 2017-03-31 12:13

the diming of the lights were shades of the darkest day in Parity history. :-)