Parity: The New Class - Week 1

 

First up, the new kids*! The following are players who have not, to the best of my knowledge, played OCUA's spin on a Parity League. In no particular order:

Oh man, there are so many of you this year! You're in for a very special experience where you will be praised for success**** and heckled (nicely and with love) for failure at every turn! You can expect to have the numbers you generate analyzed in ways that probably mean nothing, to be traded for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with anything, and hopefully to also have a good time. 

 

Speaking of numbers, let's review! Scoring a goal earns you $10,000 parity dollars, and so will an assist. A second assist (hockey assist) will net you $8,000. Get a D, earn another $8,000! Throw it, catch it, $1,000 each! Drops and throwaways will cost you -$5,000 per mistake, and if you throw something someone else drops, we salt the wound with a -$2,500 thrown drop surcharge (I have always called this Peyton Manning rule, but because of recent news that he's actually a Popa John supporting, athletic trainer assaulting dirtbag we're changing it to the Kaepernick Corollary or "Kaep Clause" for short). 

 

This last one really sticks in the craw of people who hate their receivers and believe in trickle down economics (if we give all the salary to the handlers, it will trickle down to everyone else!) but we are a kindler, gentler, more collectivist league.

 

If you want to understand the stats better, check out the stats keepers volunteer spreadsheet and guidelines and while you're there, SIGN UP TO VOLUNTEER! It's easy, and without it, the league doesn't work.

 

Speaking even more about numbers, they don't matter******. Seriously, guys. They are an arbitrary gimmick, a game. They say nothing about your value as a player, they do not accurately rate your contributions to frisbee on the field, and they should be taken with as many grains of salt******* as you can handle.

 

With all that out of the way... let's review the week that was!

 

 

GOAAAAAALS: Martin Cloake is an imposing 6'7", and he often puts it to good use. He led the week in goals at 7. Ben Curran, noted new kid*, had 4 which is a very good showing. New kid* Michael Wong also had 4. Geofford had 4 which is remarkable because I wasn't sure he knew where the endzone was. Kristyn Berquist, Liam Parker and Magic Mike, new kids*, had 3 each.

 

ASSISTS: Do you know who was huckin' and chuckin' this week? Brian Perry, new kid*, had 7 assists. So did Higgins! Jessie (more on her in a second...), Craig and Nick Theriault had 6. All-star cutter Andrea Proulx had 6 in two games! Dom had 3 in her first ever game of Parity, way to go, new kid*!

 

D-FENSE: A whole bunch of people put up 4 D's this week. Honestly, it's ridiculous. The average age of the people in this list is probably 40. Craig Anderson, Hope Celani, Logan Ashall (one of these things is not like the other and it's the youth of new kid* Logan), Mehmet Karman, and Sebastien Belanger all D'd their asses off on Monday.

 

What Are You Aiming At?: Mehmet led the week in teachable moments, throwing it away 8 times (there was probably space on the field his team wasn't going to, and this is the only way they will learn). Jessie, noted chucker, had 7. Josee, surprisingly, matched her. New kid* Will Reid had 6, but I know he's better than this. Everyone in this list is among the leaders in the race for the coveted PEWPEWPEW award.

 

Dropsies: Proulx had 5 over 2 games but honestly that's not fair to her. She was horizontal for all of them. Al Colantonio is a handler and usually catching the easy dish, but he's continued his fall-league trend of dropping it, with 2 this week. Cassie (new kid*), Jaime and Laura are a trio of ladies I don't expect to see on this list very often, because they are often sure handed.

 

 

Twinkle Toes Barford: Noted Budweiser (King of Beers) drinking Kevin Barford, certified beer Cicerone, is also a ballerina. At least one of Brian Perry's assists this week came on a beautiful Grand jeté followed by keeping his trailing foot in bounds by fractions of an inch. Goal! Magnifique!

 

The Hand of An: In a play that almost broke An's hand but definitely broke Perry's pride, she hand-blocked one of his hucks in reportedly spectacular fashion. I hear An is okay, but no word on whether Perry will have recovered enough to return to play next week.

 

Shoulder High Bidz for Dayz: Dom and Train both made ridiculous shoulder high bids on disks trailing away from them. Dom's led to a dish, cut and score. Train calmly stood up and chucked a dime. Seriously, it was AUDL Friction Glove Catch of the Week stuff, and they were both bare handed.

 

Fredemption: Fred Caron cuts, is thrown to wide open, scooooooooorrrrreee... wait a minute. What?! He dropped a gimme for a goal?! 4 seconds of contemplation about what he'd just done pass, and then he promptly foot blocked Al to get the disk back. Fredemption! I really wonder what was going through his head for those 4 seconds of his mental reset.

 

Hurdles: It has come to my attention that Jim Robinson has taken up track and field. Apparently he hurdled Cassie while she was throwing from the ground. I'm not sure why or how this happened, but let's just say Jim has some unorthodox training methods.

 

The Breast Defense is...: Josee made a play on a disk and somehow ended up face first in Nicole MacDonald's chest. Nobody was injured on the play, but it was pretty amazing from the sideline. It prompted me to yell "FACE BOOB!" ...It was funny at the time.

 

... Being Old: Sully and Seb combined for 7 D's on the same team and honestly I'm not sure how that happens. But it did.

 

Fantasy Fantasy Frisbee!: Alex Bush is getting a special long-distance shout out for running a fantasy parity fantasy league from Minnesota. He really misses you guys!

 

Okay, this is pretty long at this point. Next week will have less Parity Preamble, hopefully more stories and anecdotes (you can help with this), and maybe even be funny and/or entertaining. If you want to send me stories of things that happen in parity, please email me (check my profile!). Special thanks as always to people who have shared with me things I missed or didn't see.

 

Huge shout out to the statskeeping volunteers******** who as always are the real MVPs.

 

 

* all of the kids are actually adults and are compliant with the OCUA's age restrictions on league entry, "kids" is rhetorical language used for effect and is not intended to offend anyone.

 

** this new kid* subbed in the league one time, but now they are full timers!

 

*** this new kid* registered and was really looking forward to playing but has had to withdraw from the league due to injury. Let's all wish him a speedy recovery.

 

**** success is defined as something "WOW!" or "OMG!!" worthy. Which is to say, do something awesome, or so terrible it comes full circle to good again, in the same lines as kitschy movies like Gremlins or Short Circuit*****.

 

***** yes this is dating myself pretty severely.

 

****** if you win a category, the category gets named after you, and that's as far as it goes.

 

******* you can't spell parity without sounding a lot like you're saying parody, and quite frankly that's a lot of what this entire mess is in the first place! One big long elaborate joke that we are all helping to write, one bit of frisbee slapstick at a time.

 

******** 95% accuracy guaranteed or your parity salary back!