Parity: Controversy-gate - Week 2

 

Week 2 is in the books! Actually, it's been in the books for 4 days and I've been a bad Parity scribe this week. In my defense, there was a lot of chaos and controversy behind the scenes in Parity this week. Let me peel back the curtains and show you a side of our Commissioner, Kevin Hughes, that you've never seen before!

 

DUPE-GATE: Turns out there's a secret backdoor in the app that lets you re-post a point multiple times. This one little trick that drives Parity League Fantasy League (PLFL) players crazy was used to great effect this week, giving Kevin Hughes 2 extra assists and who knows how many Parity dollars! I also have him on record admitting that he implemented this feature! Coincidence? Turns out I'm also Parity's hardest hitting investigative journalist! I report, you decide.

 

After calling attention to this problem, Kevin grudgingly fixed the statistical errors and raised a ticket to address the backdoor he deliberately implemented. Of course, Kevin wasn't working alone in this scandal. Whoever was keeping stats for his game made use of it, probably to curry favour with the commissioner!

 

This is worse than Roger Goodell's handling of Deflategate, Weedgate, and Ricegate combined, people!

 

DUPE-GATE2, PLFL BOOGALOO: Someone also used this back door to score extra points for a number of players in the league! One of them was Martin, who it turns out may only be leading in goals because of what amounts to hacking of our statistics! A stats based league breaks down if no one can trust the stats, so I consider this digital crime to be an attack at the very heart of what makes Parity great. I'm outraged, and I'm already sourcing on-line bulk orders of pitchforks and torches (EDITOR'S NOTE: not tiki torches). No, Kevin, I won't be using vendors that do business with shopify either. BOYCOTT!

 

 

It's trade week! GMs had to make trades. However, the trade dashboard hasn't really been serving the needs of the GMs, leading to some confusion and chaos amongst the GMs on how exactly they were to get cap compliant. Distraction efforts from Dupegate by the commissioner? We all know the GMs are most carefully analyzing the stats, and they are in the best position to catch these kinds of anomalies. Purely speculative on my part, though. I report, you decide!

 

CALLAHAN-GATE: We found an errant callahan in the stats. Someone gave credit to Newman for a catch-D/point, which I can only assume was also an attack on the integrity of the PLFL. We've fixed it! Thank god Tom won't be credited with unfairly earned success!

 

BOUNTYGATE: Kevin has also implemented a new bounty system, which I thought wasn't allowed in professional sports but what the hell do I know? Details can be found here. Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order.

 

CHIRP-GATE: Best chirp of the week goes out to Justine Price. Discussing the bounty program, she said "Is Kevin serious? He thinks that's doable for non-programmers? I mean, I opened it on my iPhone and it crashed!"

 

WOWZERS-GATE: In one of the better plays of the week, Wowchuk got way up for an errant throw, pulled it down one handed, and then through the cheakiest inside backhand dish around a cutter's defender who had turned their back to the handler, which was then promptly punched in for a point. I can't do this play justice because it wasn't flashy or spectacular, just incredibly poised and well executed. She could have done this wearing a beaver hat and holding a wine glass, that's how cool and collected she looked.

 

BIDZ-GATE: In one game I watched, Sully and Graham were making bids for daaaaaaaaayz. Over 50, still hitting turf with reckless abandon. Impressive.

 

DANCE-GATE: We seem to love ballet in this league. Aggy on a cut back, his defender going up field, Aggy snatched the disk and then did a lovely pirouette to avoid contact. His defender blew right by him, and Aggy threw a dish that led directly to a goal. Bravo!

 

For those keeping notes, so far Barford's winning on form, but Aggy's taking it on style points. For now....

 

HAMMER-GATE: Speaking of Aggy, he also made an absolutely absurd bid to catch a hammer trailing away from him, and caught it with a wonderful toe-drag to keep it in bounds. WOW, went the sideline! WOW, went his PLFL stats... actually, no. I'd just dropped him from my roster.

 

COUCH-GATE: Kelsey, while trying to run down a D, ran over his girlfriend and was promptly shamed and booed from the sideline. Fun fact: Katie is on his team (locker room drama!) and in position to make the D (cost her money!). I assume he slept on the couch.

 

IT'S LATE-GATE: The final point of the final game went on just a bit too long. By the end of it, everyone was just Hail Mary-ing the disk all over the field. Pretty sure everyone just wanted to go home. Dom had a particularly beautiful 40 yard flick to three defenders because someone on her team didn't think she could throw it and had cut back under. Note for next time people! That girl's got bombs!

 

 

GOAL-GATE: Big games this week from Cassie (6G), Train (5G), Giulian (5G), Wing (5G), Adam MacDonald (4G), the aforementioned Aggy (4G) and Michael Wong (4G). One of Adam's was a remarkable play where a towering Martin Cloake set up for a jump but tripped over his own two feet and fell down. His defenders all clustered around him, but the disk faded away from the much taller pack of players to Adam who had smartly shifted over to the space where the disk was moving. Catch smarter not harder, guys!

 

DIME-GATE: Andrew Spearin put up 7A! Jon Rowe had 6A! Rich Gregory dropped 5 dimes that others picked up for mad money! Justine had 4, and so did everyone's favorite OCUA employed German, Vanessa Mann!

 

FENCE-GATE: Kelsey put up 4D blocks, but should honestly be stuck in a cluster of others with 3 (see above). Laura Storey put up 3 while covering Alisha, which is remarkable. Mehmet continues to defend frisbees at a dare I say it, unsustainable rate (3D!). Matthew "Skynes" Schijns had 2 in his first game back from vacation.

 

INCOMPLETION-GATE: Jessie tops the list again, but so do Heather Wallace, Kristie Ellis (one of those is my fault, sorry fam), myself, Geofford and the normally safe Owen v2.0.

 

DROP-GATE: Three names topping this week are not names you expect. Hannah Dawson, John Haig, and Kevin Barford (aka Ballerina, Barfdog, Cicerone, or K-dizzle) all had 2. If we see this trio in this group again this season, I will be amazed.

 

 

Huge shoutout once again to all the volunteers who took stats, except for the one that helped Kevin hack the league. We're keeping an eye on you!