The Parity All-Bloated-Whale Team

Submitted by Sebastien Belanger on Thu, 2017-12-07 15:32

Forums:

In a podcast earlier this season, and again on a more recent forum post, my fearless leader, OCUA HOF member and legend in his own mind, Chris Sullivan, has indicated that I was untradable due to my high salary which did not accurately represent my on-field value. To be more specific, an unnamed prospective trade partner stated that “usually a whale has to die before you see anything as bloated as Sebastien Belanger’s salary”. Since I like playing with Chris, I consider this a good thing. Of course, using a whale in the analogy when I also just happen to outweigh 99% (even after recently losing a bunch of weight) stung a bit #aretherenolines. Anyhoo, since I agree with the unnamed parity captain but wanted to share the love with other Parity players with similar salary issues, I decided to make a list of other bloated salaries and a corresponding list of svelte ones (coming soon).
 
The methodology was: 
  • Rank all players by Normalized Salary using the week 5 spreadsheet
  • Go down the list, group players with similar rankings and ask myself: “If I were a GM, would I consider these players equivalent in value on offense/defense?”
  • Focus on male players since I’ve been married for 19 years and have learned a few things like not comparing ladies to bloated whales…
 
The All-Bloated Whale Team
 
1 - Rob Ives 
Rank: 2
Salary: $107,163
Summary: Other players in this salary range include Travis Davidson & Hannah Dawson. Rob is a fine player and proven winner but the people in this part of the ranking are breaking parity records and competing nationally so… welcome to Parity Rob and welcome to the list
 
2 & 3 - Jaime Wildgen & Sebastien Belanger 
Rank: 6 & 7
Salaries: $88,941 & $87,974
Summary: Other players in this salary range include Michael Davidson, Hadrian and both Brian Perrys. Wildgen is scary good and sometimes just scary but even he will likely admit that he may have lost a step or two since his prime ahem… 10 years ago. I like to inflate my salary with gratuitous Ds and choosing favorable matchups.
 
4 & 5 - Craig Anderson #notthegoalie & Shubho Bo Biswas “Bo”
Rank: 12 & 26
Salaries: $78,877 & $63,597
Summary: Having Craig on your team is like playing with a black hole. He projects a gravity field around him which makes it impossible for every second throw not to go to him. Sometimes getting on this list is more about quantity than quality. Bo is a tanner, shorter and less athletic version of Craig…
 
6 - Dan Thomson
Rank: 19
Salaries: $70,734
Summary: Dan Thomson is famous for his high-pitched heckles and short T-rex like arms. He also has a salary that compares with Scott Higgins #bestathleteintheleaguenowthatowenhasretired and Marcus Bordage #bloatedwhalerunsinthefamily. He’s also fun to pick on (aka the high pitched voice) which is why he’s really on this list.
 
Tune in next week (or maybe later) where I will profile the svelte marlins of the league but until then, feel free to call our your own large mammal :-)

Mehmet Karman

Thu, 2017-12-07 17:22

Entertaining post!

As a current employer of Craig and a former employer of Bo I'll defend their value as players as not many of us touch the disc that often and complete 90+% of our passes  - while noting of course Seb's own impessive record by that measure.  Also it appears Bo's percentage has dropped since he fell in with a bad crowd a few weeks back.  Of course I wouldn't mind if this white glove disc service wasn't cheaper but sometimes you get what you pay for.

As for svelte salaries there are many, many bargains to be had.  By my count one could create a line (none of my current players mentioned as I'd like to retain them) made up of the following 4 gentlemen (and 2 ladies*) and do very well on the field and in the boardroom.

1.  Kenzie at $37K

2.  Geoff at $47K

3.  Ken Mac at $37K

4.  The Agha Khan at $34K

M.

*OK, I was going to list ladies and make it completly clear I'm not calling them inexpensive, just that their salaries (and indeed they themselves) are svelte, but I'll follow Seb's wisdom (congrats on 19 years!) now that I've been married for 2 and just not.

 

 

Heather Wallace

Tue, 2017-12-12 08:55

Kenzie will always be a steal of a deal because he is terrible player for the parity style, for a few reasons:

1. He always makes responsible choices - beautiful in cuts that, if hit, would lead to great field position and smart, crafty inside breaks to open players for yards are Kenzie's go-to looks. What he really needs to be doing is recklessly hucking and consistently striking to the endzone for his salary-hungry teammates. 

2. He chooses not to poach - none of this poaching in the lane in the hopes of getting huge D stats because you don't lose any salary if your player gets the disc in the endzone while you stand 30 ft in front of them hoping the handler doesn't realize what's happening.

3. He plays great positional D - meaning handlers who don't want to risk throw aways just choose not to throw to the person he's defending. Proper defence doesn't get you paid, Kenz, baiting throws and praying you get the run-through D does!

So save being your smarts and responsibility for the office and the outdoor season, Kenzie. It's time to get crazy and expensive!

Christopher Keates

Tue, 2017-12-12 09:38

If Kenzie whales it up, I'm going to fat-salary shame him then trade him and no one wants that.

Carrie-Anne Whyte

Tue, 2017-12-12 11:16

LIKE!

Amos Lee

Tue, 2017-12-12 14:46

Kenzie chooses not to poach because he's terrible at it.

Shubho Bo Biswas

Sun, 2017-12-10 17:53

I just caught this.  Typically, I'm just happy to see my name online (I am constantly on zuluru) but:

"Bo is tanner, shorter and less athletic version of Crag"

Shorter?  Than Craig?  Aww man...

Chris Sullivan

Mon, 2017-12-11 14:10

To be clear, the "bloated whale" reference had nothing to do with your physical appearance, Seb. It is duly noted that you are a chiselled block of granite/gold with your new workout regiment. 

Also worth noting is that the unnamed people being quoted in the podcast don't necessarily exist in real life. Is that sound of russling paper you hear really viewer mail? Who's to say. 

For the record, I would never offer you in trade to anyone. You are far to precious to me Seb. And there are numerous reasons other than salary why you untradeable. We will lose tonight by half a pirate to honour your absence.