A Very Contrary Perry Commentary

Submitted by Jon Rowe on Tue, 2018-03-13 13:06

Forums:

When finding a sub becomes necessary

Look no further than Parity’s mercenary

You give him a rose

He always shows

Surprise, surprise – it’s Brian Perry

 

Each new week the captains assess

Their absentees with due process

No matter who’s out

Without a doubt

The stats confirm - Brian Perry (S)

 

All that salary he’ll accrue

Evades your cap, yes it’s true

But be aware

And do what’s fair

Or the next rhyme might target you

 

And though it appears at first glance

He’s every GM’s last minute freelance

I implore you please

We’ve all paid the fees

Give somebody else a chance

 

So on behalf of the middle tier

Of players who would like to appear

As a sub

For your club

jonarowe@yahoo.com <-- right here

Amos Lee

Tue, 2018-03-13 13:12

In case you're still not sure who Jon A Rowe is, I've compiled a list of advantages and disadvantages he has when sized up against Brian Perry...

Competitive advantage:

  • Won't upset opposing GMs
  • Won't inflate your salaries but will work towards your team's success
  • Willing to bail the disc
  • Will throw to girls
  • Wine sommelier > PBRat

 Competitive disadvantage: 

  • Better looking
  • Nicer
  • Good with children
  • Really good at Diablo 3
  • Doesn't know the meaning of disadvantage

 

Heather Wallace

Tue, 2018-03-13 20:08

My whole team shows up every week, but if they ever don't, Jon you are my first ask!

Heather Wallace

Tue, 2018-03-13 20:29

Also when you're the second highest goal scorer you don't get to claim middle tier. :)

Adam MacDonald

Tue, 2018-03-13 20:13

If you want a more Viking looking team plus bad jokes and relentless book/movie/tv references

Us Adam Mac the best beard in the sub market!

Plus bonus for your amusement i can choreograph endzone celebrations.

Chris Sullivan

Tue, 2018-03-13 22:55

This is level 4 work Jon. Similiar in scope and ambition to Laura's Xmas poem. I especially enjoyed assess, process, and Perry (S) as rhymes.

 

Christopher Keates

Wed, 2018-03-14 10:11

Is this like, Jon Rowe is writing poetry at a grade 4 reading/writing level?

Justine Price

Wed, 2018-03-14 19:55

Ontario schools use levels to denote achievement on assignments, e.g. Level 1, needs improvement, Level 4 exceeds expectation. Don't worry, Keates, all your work is level 4, though you have not been handing in assignments lately. Anything up? Would you like to book a visit with guidance? We're here to support you.

Christopher Keates

Wed, 2018-03-14 20:48

If I don't hand in homework all season, maybe I'll get to do remedial Parity over the summer! Hurray!

Hadrian Mertins-Kirkwood's picture

Hadrian Mertins...

Wed, 2018-03-14 10:33

Maybe GMs can boycott Brian Perry as a sub until he changes his team name to something less sexist?

David O'Connor

Wed, 2018-03-14 10:47

this post just caught fire!!

Laura Chambers ...

Wed, 2018-03-14 18:01

Grade A poem. Grade A comment. Thank-you, HMK, for saying it. 

Jessie Robinson's picture

Jessie Robinson

Thu, 2018-03-15 11:01

OK Jon, you are next! I'll hold my rose for you, but my new bestie is going to be sad ;)

Stacey Wowchuk

Fri, 2018-03-16 08:04

Jon! I told you J-Rowe was going to take off! And you didn't believe me and in fact, actively tried to dissuade it. Ha! Vindication is mine!

Jon Rowe

Fri, 2018-03-16 11:24

Brian is a lovable Parity goofball who is a credit to everything we want in the league - overhead throws, lackadaisical defense, the occasional chirp... but underneath that High School Musical 1 Zac Efron boyishly charming exterior is something that nobody is willing to reckon:

Brian Perry is literally the best* guy in Parity.

Move over Mike Lee, Hadrian rend your hair. The stats, as they say, do not lie. Among all active players' career averages, Brian contributes 7.81 primary points per game which leads by a wide margin, (+1.22 over Hadrian). His offensive dynamism and arsenal of creative throws near the end zone have thus far gone underappreciated. 

So here's to you, Brian Perry. *toasts you with green-dyed PBR; pukes immediately* No longer shall I, or any other forum denizen, give you any less than full credit. And I will foul you every time you try to throw over me. That's a promise.

* "Best" in this case ignores defense, throwaways, hustle, team name, or taste in alcoholic beverages. Points only.

Hadrian Mertins-Kirkwood's picture

Hadrian Mertins...

Fri, 2018-03-16 13:05

I'll concede that. Dude is a monster on the scoreboard.

Seriously though, change your team name.

David O'Connor

Fri, 2018-03-16 14:07

In Brian's defense, he did instantly change his team name to Sub-Normal Activity: The Case of Brian Parity.

Brian's signature shoulder fake is very effective! But let's not pump his tires too much. He doesn't need any more confidence!

Sebastien Belanger

Sun, 2018-03-18 22:37

The fact that Brian often marks up on me in games that I play against him tells me that his numbers are inflated. He should cover guys his own age/wheight class. 

Adam MacDonald

Mon, 2018-03-19 15:20

so you are saying Perry is a pseudo-whale like some type of whale shark?

Christopher Keates

Mon, 2018-03-19 15:25

Huge, toothy, carnivorous, fights to the death with giant squid in the murky depths of the ocean. 

Tom Newman

Mon, 2018-03-19 18:05

...apparently the chickens are happy it's spring. Even with my 4 kids I am inundated with eggs, and have 10 dozen taking up space in my fridge for sale to whales or any other parity animals.

:)