Parity Musings : A Mysterious Disappearance

Submitted by Christopher Keates on Fri, 2018-04-06 15:17

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Many have been wondering, what has Keates been doing? Why isn't he writing about frisbee? Doesn't he love us anymore? How can I know more about the goings on of parity if no one will write about parity and provide me delicious free content to consume?
 
The answer to all of these questions is deeply involved and complicated. I can only say that it has nothing to do with:
 
2. The missing millions of parity dollars, accrued over the last 4 years of parity;
3. Continuing digital forensic evidence of Russian hacking of the Parity server;
3. A company called Parity Analytica, registered in the Cayman Islands;
 
No, the truth is that work and life kept me either too tired or too busy to be creative and inspiring and I didn't want to just drone on about numbers! Narratives, not numbers, that's the sports journalist way! However, I went on vacation, came back, and I'm a new man! I've found my inspiration again! But before we talk about that inspiration, let's look back at a few of the more notable events of the season so far.
 
How Many Turns Can Two Teammates Have: The answer is 19 between me and Mike Lee, week 3.
 
So Many Barries: First, because Simon Berry can't spell my name right, Barries is the new accepted and canonical spelling of the stat we all hope and dream to one day get.
 
Second, we set a record one week. One ignominious, shameful record. In what I can only assume has never happened before, Huck and Hope v. Monster Peninsula in week 5 had 7 Barries. For Monster, Alessandro Colantonio, An Tran, and Andre Scott. For Huck, Kristie Ellis, Mike Lee, Owen Lumley and myself. 7 in one game!
 
PewPewPew: If we look at the stats leaderboard for throw aways this session we see... myself leading the way with 32 in 6 games. I'm leading by 5 and everyone else has played all 8 games. If you want to see something cool, I'm on the same leaderboard twice in the same week (week 2).
 
Okay, so that's a lot of failure by me so far this year, which brings me to....
 
Inspiration!: Normally I don't talk about myself much in these posts by design, but my complete and abject failures this season have been notable and hilarious. But also, I can be neurotic about this stuff and I was probably being too hard on myself. Then one week I was musing what to do with my team (saved from last place only through the grace of Monster Peninsula) and I had a great idea. What if I acquired as many gingers and beards as possible on my roster? What if I made the palest, most freckled, heliophobic team possible? It would be glorious, lumbersexy stuff, let me tell you. And honestly, it only makes sense to make a team like that for in an indoor league, where sun-related injuries can't possibly sideline players in the middle of the game.
 
And then for two straight weeks I schemed about how it could be done until finally this trade week, I was able to whine, beg, bribe and cajole my way into every possible ginger or beard (or both) I can find in Parity. This has been my muse, the thing to pull me out of my funk. This is making parity great! This week, the last trade week, I made 7 trades to get redder and better! I mean, I have two Owens now. Big thanks to all the GM's that made Gingertopia possible.
 
Now the problem is, I need a team name. I could go with a few options. Jon Rowe (stellar forum game, by the way, Jon) proposed Fred? DEAD! Red-emption. I've considered going with a green jersey and calling the team Ginger Bells. Gingerbeards and Gingervitis have all been floated by various people. But I'm asking all of you, what should I name this new glorious team? Give me ideas!
 
Okay, now on to some non-me related shenanigans.
 
What The Hell, Kevin!: Who are you, stealing our hard earned Parity dollars and then galavanting around the world on the backs of our efforts! Embezzling is a crime, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Does Sam know how you got the money for your vacation, you monster?
 
Catch Your O's, D's and T's: In week 2, I saw Martin catch a disk at the same time as Andrea Proulx, and then partially pick her up while she was holding onto it, which was amazing.
 
Greatest Grand Daddy: Wildgen was overthrown (harder than you'd think) but chased it out and threw a greatest back into the field successfully earlier this year. This man is over 50 and he plays like he's under 25!
 
Salary Greatness: Brian Perry's current Salary Per Point (SPP) is setting records, and he's killing it this year. He's on every single positive statistical leaderboard except for goals. Jessie Robinson and Justine Price have also both rounded back into Parity form and are 4th and 7th on the Pay leader board this session. 
 
Best Alessandro: We have both Alessandros back in the league again, so we get to decide who the best one is every week! This week, it's Colantonio, who was integral to helping me acquire gingers.
 
Best Colantonio: The brothers are also in the league together again, so we also get to decide who the best one is every week! This week, it's definitely Mike, who was turnover free and scored by the bunches in his game.
 
Trade Incentives: Jon Rowe, sub-for-hire, was asked to play for Sully in week 8. In the pre-game huddle, Sully said "Jon Rowe, if you score 8 goals I will do anything to trade for you this week." What did Jon Rowe do? Dropped 9 goals on the other team.
 
Sully, true to his word, was already wheelin' and dealin' 20 minutes after the game with other GM's trying to work out a move. He eventually sold the farm(er) to get Jon.
 
Special thanks as always to the fans, but a public service announcement: Parity is fun because of the community! Add to it however you can! Don't just wait for me to post un-funny nonsense on the forums, write your own! Special extra thanks to the stats keepers, who make the parity world go round. A general call-out as always to give me stories and funnies and anecdotes for inspiration and stuff to talk about. My sources of information all dried up this year!
 
Finally, we keep posting about the Parity Bounty charity campaign:
 
 
I am 100% serious here, this isn't a joke. At the end of the season all of the money in that fund is going to be given to charity on behalf of someone (although I don't think Sully and I have agreed how to allocate that money - we should probably do that). If it's only going to be the $70 dollars the two of us have put, that's fine, but I'm sure that worthy organizations like Doctors Without Borders can use more than that.
 

Alex Bush

Fri, 2018-04-06 15:23

Actually, I proposed "Fred? DEAD! Red-emption." Jon's suggestion lacked all punctuation.

 

#CreditGate

Nicholas Aghajanian

Fri, 2018-04-06 15:43

Red-gressive Genes?  A reference to that April Fool's article from a while back that said that Gingers were slowly being bred out (that people still quote as gospel).

Neena Sidhu

Fri, 2018-04-06 17:20

and who just scans these posts for their names anyway?

 

Christopher Keates

Mon, 2018-04-09 11:37

Sometimes I write these things in a bit of a fugue state, and when I'm done I have to ctrl+f for my name to make sure I delete anything positive I may have written about myself.

Chris Sullivan

Mon, 2018-04-09 19:36

Chris Keates is missing KQ and Kirstie tonight and has asked this woman to sub. 

http://www.pbase.com/image/58472723